Teal.

Teal. The color of your death. The color people will wear for a long time to remember you and what you went through. Did I know you personally? No, but I followed you. I followed your story and watched your sister heart break for you. This wasn't your fault. It was no ones fault. God needed you at that time. God needed a beautiful soul like you to come and help glitter up Heaven. I feel everything will now have a sparkle like you did. You made every video and dealt with everyone who called you a fake with a smile. You had very few break downs but when you would have the everyone would be broken with you. You reached out to thousands of people with your story. You lead so many people to find God and women to get check for this killer (like myself). Life throws you through hoops. You have to decide to get back up or lay their. Every hoop and hill you made it over til your body couldn't handle it anymore. You have done so much in a month time that people couldn't do in a year. Your videos is all we have now. Your smile and laugh will be forever heard thanks to you doing these videos. Thank you for everything you did on Earth. Your family each have a trait of your to pass onto your beautiful kids. Your husband will be able to share so many stories about you to them and let your memory live on. You are going to be missed dearly but you will live on. I believe you completed your life mission. The world needed someone to tell about this cancer. Someone who people would break and listen to. This job was given to you and honey you blew this job out of the water! You went raw and told everything without a blink of an eye. Thank you for doing this. Your story is going to save peoples lives. Every time I see teal I will think of you and what you have done. Teal is your color.

xxoxx

-A

Just A Random Blog!

I remember when I first started this.  I never wanted to get to personal or into my real life. This was my outlet from my real life and what I wish my life was truly like. Just plan happy all the time and no worries. It worked for a little while but I still felt something missing. Crazy right? I mean I have an amazing husband and beautiful daughter that fill me up with so much joy and love that I shouldn't feel like something was missing. But I did, what I was missing was time. 

Time as in time with my family. I work as a CNA during a 2 pm to 10 pm shift. My daughter is six and in school, my husband works morning shifts so usually I never see either one of them til late at night when my daughter is asleep and hubby falling asleep. It makes such a rough impact on me because I feel as if I am missing all the little moments as a family. Granted I get to do the whole morning routine with my daughter and cuddle up to my hubby when going to bed but still I miss so much. Due to this I get into the whole depressed phase. Where I feel as if i'm not good enough because i'm never here or I can't do enough for the same reason. This leaves me in a funk until my day off and then I seem to smother them at times because i'm trying to make up for 5 days of not seeing them in 24 hours. 

This is something I've been struggling with for a while but sadly in this day and age it's become normal for parents to be away from their kids for long hours so they can pay bills and provide for said child. It's sad that we have to miss out on so much just to make sure that our child has food on the table and not without. With all this crazy depression in my mind I finally realized that I needed to change this. I need to figure out ways to make time for my family. I need to do random things to show them that I am still thinking about them throughout the day and I love them both!

So I realized that there is some things I could do for them to spend more time with them. Like go to the school to eat lunch with my daughter. Its more quality time with her and it would be a great memory for her to hold onto. Make dinner before work sometimes so my husband doesn't have to and can rest. Video chat my daughter before she goes to bed at night so I can tell her I love her. Wake up early some morning to cook for hubby before he goes to work. Let my mini me have a sleep over in my room once in a while. Have someone come into work for me early once in a while so I can surprise them. Just little things like this to have some time with them to help me get through the week. This is just where I am at in life and I just want them both to realize that I love them and that everything I do in life is for them. 

I told you this was just a random blog. But this was something I needed to get off my chest to help me breathe a little better. This is what I need to do not only for me but for my family as well. 

xxoxx

-A